Be the Change

When I was a kid, we were in a Cold War with Russia. Russia was the enemy. I never dreamed, flashing forward 30 plus years, that the enemy would be each other.

What we mustn't forget is that black people want to live in harmony with white people, and white people want to live in harmony with black people. We are letting the few bad ones tear this country apart like some modern day civil war and it absolutely sickens me. 

Let's be bigger than the bad ones and more persistent than the bad ones. If you are a white person, please do something kind for a black person today. If you are a black person, please do something kind for a white person today. 

In fact let's keep it going much longer than a day. Like forever.

These are the Days

~These are days you'll remember. 

Never before and never since, I promise, will the whole world be warm as this. 

And as you feel it, you'll know it's true that you are blessed and lucky.~

                                   10,000 Maniacs

This time of year there are moms who are feeling the kick to the gut. It's hitting them hard. It's hitting US hard.

Oh, I'm not talking about the moms realizing this is the last summer before their little ones start kindergarten. I remember that, and there are lots of emotions with that. There really are. 

"He's not a baby anymore."

"What am I going to do with myself?"

"She's growing so fast."

But I'm not talking about those moms. The moms I'm talking about are quieter about these new feelings. Introspective. And they are scared. We are scared.

Our children aren't babies anymore, and they are still growing fast, but what stops us in our tracks, and what makes our stomachs drop like a free- falling elevator isn't that.

It's, "We don't have much longer with them."

It's, "It wasn't all supposed to happen this fast."

And, "What am I going to do with myself when the house is silent?"

It's a new emotion, and it's a scary one. 

I have friends who are sending kids to high school in the fall. Four more years in the nest. 

I'm sending my oldest to 7th, and it's painfully clear to me how fast these last years will go.

People always tell you to treasure every minute when they are babies because it will fly by quicker than you can imagine. 

But little did we know that THESE are the days we should be treasuring. The middle school and high school years. THESE are the MOST precious because this is the finale before we let them fly on their own. 

We hope to always have a wonderful relationship with our children even after they go out on their own. But let's face it, these years are the last that we will have the influence we have now. They are crucial years. Years where the best memories need to be made. Years where the truly important conversations need to happen. Years where we try to connect with them in a way that will always lead them back home.

The time is now. We already know that time went a lot faster than we thought it would. We learned that the hard way, just like every mother has before, and every mother will after.

This summer, there will be a lot of times they are hanging with their friends, which of course gets more and more frequent the older they get. But those other times? The times they aren't?

I'm going to savor it. 

I'm going to do my very best to savor every second. I'm going to drink it in with a new perspective. 

I don't have endless piles of time handed to me on a silver platter, like it used to feel in the early years of motherhood. I have chunks of time. I must be deliberate with each sacred piece. 

These can be the best days of our lives with our kids. Why? Because we have the gift of perspective. The gift of knowing that as Goethe said, "Nothing is worth more than this day."

Let's use each day as a gift, a chance to build connections that will always lead them home long after they have learned to fly on their own.

My Love Affair With Books

It's almost as if I hear them whispering. 

"Look inside. It will change your life."

Of course I don't really hear the books whispering, but it's how I feel when I'm inside a library or a book store.

My sense of awareness is heightened, as if something new is about to be discovered. Endless possibilities.

Not many things can excite me as much as the possibility of a thrilling book. I've pretty much been this way since I was four.

I still remember the perfume my mom wore while I was reading the Nancy Drew series. The memory is that much a part of me. To this day when I smell Estée Lauder's Private Collection, childhood happiness washes over me.

Some people don't get it. Those who don't read not only don't get it, but also think it sounds a bit strange. But those who love books know exactly what I'm talking about.

How can anyone get so much pleasure from not experiencing something, but reading about it? That's what non- readers might ask. And it's a valid question.

But I would argue that with the right imagination and the right book, you actually are experiencing it.

One of the things that has always made me nervous about life is that there simply isn't time to do all of the things I want to do. I can't bear the thought that I might never get to be a detective, or own a bookshop, or be a writer in a flat in New York, or fall in love in Italy. 

But I will get to do all of these things with a book and an imagination.

If we weren't experiencing it as if it really were happening, books wouldn't have the power to make us laugh out loud, or cry, or bite our fingernails in anticipation.

And I feel confident in saying that I know myself so much better because I read. You know that moment when you are reading and you come to *that* sentence. A sentence that resonates so deep within you that you feel a deep connection with the writer whom you don't even know. You suddenly feel implicitly understood, validated, like you are not alone and apparently have never been alone in your feelings.

I dare say books develop who you are. They slowly, over time, help you see truths about yourself and others that shape who you are and how your react to certain situations. They help you become the more authentic "you" that you were always meant to be.

One of my biggest hopes is that I pass on my love of reading to my children. Because I truly believe that is one of the best gifts that can be given.

And I don't really believe there are non-readers. There are really just undiscovered readers who haven't found the right book.

There is a reason that when I'm asked if I could have one item on a deserted island, the answer has always been and always will be a book. Because with a book I wouldn't be stranded. I would get to go everywhere.

The Boys Who Built Me

I slowly slid off my workout mat, walked cautiously over to the bug, scooped him up, and released him out of the gym door.

My workout partner looked at me and said, "You can sure tell you're a boy mom!"

Ah, it's true I suppose. I always knew, or hoped rather, that I would be a mom. But I had no idea I would be a boy mom. Or even a mom to two boys.

As Plato (who was, of course, brilliant) said, "Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable." 

If that doesn't intimidate a mom to be, I don't know what would.

And I must admit (though at the beginning I was so inexperienced and nervous) that having boys has opened my eyes to new things and has changed me in some truly wonderful and unexpected ways.

1. For one thing, I have certainly become more in tune with nature. I'm always on the lookout for cool rocks, or interesting outdoorsy things. We identify animal tracks and see how many times we can skip rocks on the water. And what on earth is sweeter than a little boy with twinkling eyes offering his mother fresh picked flowers in his chubby little dimpled hands? (Even if they really are weeds). I just chaperoned a middle school field trip to an aquarium and then on to Rock City. I had both boys and girls in my group. The girls were slowly walking, taking in everything, taking pictures of jellyfish and taking time to choose things in the gift shop. The boys were like Labrador Retriever puppies just let out of their kennels. They were running and climbing, making the scary swinging bridge swing even more. And through the walkways, were hiding in crevices and trying to scare me by jumping out like scenes from a horror movie. It's just how they roll.

2. I now realize that Sandlot is possibly one of the best movies ever made. This coming-of-age movie seriously captures tween boys in a way that no article or expert can. I live it first hand. If you ever want to be truly entertained, just sit back, watch, and listen to a group of middle school boys. There isn't much else on this earth more delightfully entertaining.

3. I never really fully knew that you could learn almost every life lesson you need from baseball, or any sport for that matter. Camaraderie, patience, perseverance, self-confidence, self-discipline, humbleness, fairness, strength, commitment. A sport is

about so much more than just the sport. I love everything sports have taught my boys AND me.

4.  I like dirt. I probably need to clarify this one. There is a certain beauty in seeing a boy, younger or older, covered in dirt. I would rather see a boy covered in dirt and grass, with dingy wet shoes, than a boy in a polo with pressed khakis any day. Damp and muddy means he jumped in that puddle, climbed that rock, dove for that ball. If he is covered in dirt, it means he LIVED that day.

5. Having boys, I also never realized how IRRITATED I would get at society's underappreciation of the mother-son bond.

"There is an endearing tenderness in the love of a mother to a son that 

transcends all other affections of the heart." ~ Washington Irving

Yet...

Father-son fishing tournaments? Yep. Father-son camping trips? Sure! There are tons of those! Mother-daughter luncheons? Why yes!!! Father-daughter dances? Of course! Where in the fresh heck are the events for mothers and sons?? ...crickets...

As Steve Rushin said, "Moms are as relentless as the tides. They don't just drive us to practice, they drive us to greatness."

So where is the celebration of this, people? There has GOT to be more celebration than just waiting for that three-minute mother/son dance at the wedding.

It is my absolute mission before too long to throw together some sort of charity mother/son baseball tournament. Get your gloves ready mamas. Enough is enough.

6. I suddenly get why Chandler (on Friends) laughed every time someone said "duty." They never grow out of it. Never. Ever.

7. I never knew that someone 100 pounds or less could consume this much food without rupturing his intestines. It seems to defy all scientific laws. The way to their hearts is through their stomachs. It's true. So be sure you have some good recipes that they love so when your son marries that little hussy in California who won't move he will still want to come back for your spaghetti sauce. They really do eat more than the human brain can comprehend. And I have learned that if you even think you might want a Sister Schubert Roll, you had better grab it, FAST. Because boys eat bread like they haven't eaten for weeks in the Mojave Desert and have just been awarded the feast on Survivor. 

8. I allow things in my house that I never would have imagined. I believe at one point there was going to be no throwing balls in the house. That was my original intent anyway. It's all fuzzy now. I have now been known to allow American Ninja Warrior stunts in my hallway. And I once actually heard myself yelling in Target, "Stop throwing the football!!! But that was a really nice pass."

9. I never realized how sacred the drives to and from games or Wednesday night church would be. Some of our deepest, most meaningful conversations have been in the car with just the two of us. Just driving after dark with the radio turned low. 

Sacred.

Come to find out, boys open up about things much easier when they don't have you staring right at them.

Who knew?

10. Life with boys is full throttle. Sort of like a permanent adrenaline rush. A roller coaster every day. They have more energy than their bodies can contain. They need to take risks, to be challenged, to explore, to compete. I never realized how wild and untamed the spirit of the boy is. And what I never would have realized before, is that I would never want to tame them. They are just the way God intended. And I am so, so lucky to be a part of their magical, wild world.

Thank you, God.

To a 2016 of Baby Steps

I always write a blog for New Year's Eve. Always.

But, yet, this is what I posted on my personal Facebook page yesterday.

"I have exactly 34 hours to figure out how to be a healthier, more organized, productive person so that 2016 is better than 2015. I can't take the pressure. How about for 2016 I just vow to eat a tad less cheese dip?"

Isn't this so true? Sometimes when we put pressure on ourselves, things don't end well. We set ourselves up for disaster.

So here is what I am going to say for 2016. Let's go a little easier on ourselves. Let's be kinder and gentler  to ourselves and others. 

Take that nap. Don't stress over that snack you are supposed to take to Bunco, Publix will do it for you!

(If you secretly hate your Christmas elves, it's okay to stop. Let 2016 be the year your elves go to live with Jesus.  It really is okay y'all. I promise.) I see all these people agonizing and complaining about the dang elves and I think, "Guys, you know the elves aren't real, right?"

Will the kids be a little disappointed? Maybe? Mine weren't. Couldn't have cared much less. But even if they are a little disappointed, it's probably nothing that a Kit-Kat won't fix. Or better yet, let the kids take turns staging the elves and surprising their siblings. It's a win-win for everyone.

So, here are some of my thoughts for 2016.

Let's think of and not forget the small things that illicit happiness. And do more of *that* this year.

Now, obviously the most important things in life are a relationship with God, family, and friends. Those are absolutely THE most important things in life. And any effort to improve those areas is always a major success. They trump everything else.

But right now I'm trying to also think of the smaller, less obvious things, as well. Maybe some are even seemingly insignificant things that somehow, in some way, make life better.

I have begun thinking of my "things." The little things that can oddly enough, pack a big punch, when it comes to my personal happiness.

1. Books

It's been said that a person who reads lives many different lives. Who said that? Someone said that. And it was one smart cookie. I cannot tell you how much I believe this. I feel so lucky to be a reader and to be able to experience so many things that I wouldn't if I didn't read. There are those who don't get it. "Why do you care about reading a fiction story that isn't even real?" Well, it's amazing, not only because I get to experience an adventure I wouldn't otherwise experience, but books help me understand myself better. That sentence you read and think, "Yes! This is exactly how I feel! And the author has put it into the exact words I have always felt but not been able to define!" Well, that is priceless!

So, reading? Yep, I'm doing even more of it.

2. Reasonably clean house

As gut wrenching as it is for me to admit this, I do feel better, mentally, when my space is reasonably clean. It's taken me 43 years to admit this. And there are times I run unnecessary errands that I strongly suspect is really a diversion from my cluttered living space. I think I may sometimes hide from my house. Or actually flee from it like an ax wielding murderer. So, I guess I'm going to try to get a handle on this. But baby steps.

3. Exercise

Let me be clear. I will not pressure myself to exercise. If I make a set list of things I must do, I've already failed. Maybe I have a rebellious nature and resist things I am *supposed* to do. So I will tell myself I do not HAVE to exercise. Maybe I should even tell myself I am not allowed to exercise. "Oh yeah, I will walk if I want to!!!!" Not sure how to tackle this one, but I do think it starts with something you enjoy and something that doesn't seem like a chore. All of you people who love to hit the gym? Power on sistas! That will never be me. Never. But, I do love to dance. Love it. So that's my first clue I suppose.

4. Water

You would have thought when the woman giving me a facial a few years ago told me that the little lines she was seeing by my eyes weren't actual wrinkles but rather lack of water and could be plumped right up, well, you would think I would have guzzled Lake Michigan by now. But for whatever reason, drinking water is extremely difficult for me. I remember one time in my life where I totally felt like a new person. I was out of the country for a week and felt the best I have ever felt in my life. I've tried to think on this, and was saddened to realize that I think it has to do with water. That week I was drinking lots of clean water because it was safer than risking the foreign ice cubes that might be put into my Cokes that could cause stomach issues. I've racked my brain trying to think of other reasons I felt so fantastic that week, but have come up empty handed other than the fact that I was finally drinking water and not dragging myself around dehydrated half the time. Unless,

there is a hidden benefit to pizza and gelato from the French Riviera which is entirely possible in my hopeful world. More water and more pizza (just to be safe.)

5. More movies

Okay, so this one is silly, but why on earth do I not go to the movies more than I do? I LOVE movies- especially scary ones. There is something about seeing a fictional girl (who unfortunately will be showing the obligatory cleavage), while running from something scary, and will twist her ankle and fall. There is something cathartic about thinking, "Wow, I'm so glad I'm not her!!" More popcorn?

6. More sleep

I hate admitting this one to myself perhaps the most. And this one directly conflicts with number one on this list. Because I love reading late into the night. Love. It. I am a night owl. I love the night. I come alive at night! But the real world doesn't seem to want to work with me on I this one. So it seems I'm going to have to cave a little. Maybe just an hour more.

7. Writing- or whatever makes your heart soar.

I'm a firm believer that if you aren't using your gift, then you aren't truly happy. Period. The end. You have your gift for a reason. Whether it's gardening or drawing or working with animals or painting or hiking- go do it. It makes you...you.

That's it. My small list. My baby-steps list. I'm going to see if small things can yield big results. More happiness. Less stress. Low pressure. And if these things work, I might up my game. And really, if I'm working on all of these things, there really isn't a need to cut back on cheese dip at all. is there?

Sameness

     I met a stranger today. An older man. I have made a point and been extremely careful not to post anything political on Facebook or to get in political debates of any kind, (not simply because I have no desire to, but also because as a person who many times sides with each party on different things), I have found myself feeling actually confused and defeated by all of the political opinions swirling about lately. 

     When I first began talking to this man, I quickly assessed that we would have nothing in common. I knew we differed politically, and knew after a week of being under the weather that I felt too sick to debate. I wondered where on earth this conversation was going to go. But almost 45 minutes later I was shocked. Even though on the surface,  and possibly after a brief five-minute conversation, you might have thought that there is nothing we would agree on whatsoever. No point in talking.

But after a totally respectful, calm, friendly, 45-minute conversation, I realized he and I are hardly different at all. We agreed on so much more than I realized. We would have never figured that out with a superficial conversation, or a heated moment, or a quick sound bite, or a Facebook post. 

     But after our sometimes deep, and thoughtful conversation, I feel like we walked away feeling that we are on the same team, and I was shocked by our similarities.

     I truly felt energized and even hopeful after our conversation.

     I wonder if the majority of us aren't really, deep down where it counts, on the same side, but in the "lashing out" that seems so common these days, things get totally twisted and misunderstood.

     Away from the TV media, and the baited questions, and social media, I'll bet we are so much more united than we even realize.

Control/Alt/Delete

When I was a baby, my mom used to think I was asleep. 

But as soon as she stood up to put me in my crib, I relentlessly forced myself awake, looking around feverishly, scared I was missing something interesting.

I'm still very much like that. It is my strength and my weakness.

My motto is always "count me in." I love people, I love experiences. Basically, I love life.

Family grill out? Yes! Big group at the pool for swimming and pizza? Of course! Road trip? Yes! Where? Any gathering with cheese dip? You betcha! 

Let's experience everything life has to offer!

But once in a while, you get a wake up call.

We all have those weeks, and a couple of weeks ago was mine. Long story short, in one week my son's trombone, iPad, book bag with notes, and PE clothes were stolen out of my car. That same week I locked my husband's keys in his truck and stranded our entire family at Target for hours before we finally had to call a locksmith and ended up paying three times what we were expecting. In the same week, we very unexpectedly found a cute place at the lake that we could afford and wrote a check and made an offer on the spot. I was so excited about this new opportunity for our family. However, our offer wasn't turned in by the realtor and the lake place was unexpectedly swiped out from under us later that night.

All within a few days.

Now, I know what you're thinking, and I thought it as well. In the scheme of things, none of this is that important. We are happy and healthy and together and fed. Life truly is good. I have absolutely nothing to complain about.

But even though I logically knew that, I still felt down, and then felt kicked while I was down. 

I tried to keep perspective, and my mood soon lifted. One day I was folding laundry and noticed I was humming. Now, I don't know about you guys, but laundry and humming don't usually go hand in hand in my house. Muttering grouchy things under my breath maybe, but not humming.

Not. Ever.

But I soon realized what was different about this laundry time.

I wasn't rushing.

I wasn't digging through clean clothes, not yet put away, piled on the love seat in our "fancy room", (AKA- the room we never go into unless we can't find a clean washcloth). I wasn't hurriedly cleaning the house for a get together that night. No one would be coming over a few hours later. I also wasn't quickly folding laundry hoping that the baseball pants my son needed in a few hours would be in there.

I was simply doing laundry. In the moment. Nowhere to go. No place to be. That is why I was humming.

I wasn't rushing.

It soon hit me why the week had taken such a toll. Sure, it was upsetting to have things stolen, and be out so much money. To lock the keys in the car and have to pay even more just to get inside our own vehicle.

But those things had happened because of rushing. THAT was the most frustrating.

If we hadn't been rushing, we probably would have grabbed the bag and iPad and trombone out of the car. If we hadn't been rushing, I would have thought to lock the car. If I hadn't been rushing, I would have been more focused and "in the moment", and wouldn't have locked the keys in the car.

If I hadn't been rushing.

When did everything become such a rat race?

It seems like every minute of the day is multitasked.

Brushing teeth while returning email? Answering texts on the way to the ballgame? Working on a Halloween costume while watching a movie? Going over the weeks calendar while eating lunch?

It can sap the peace right out of you.

I feel like I need to be rebooted. A reset. I need to hit control/alt/delete.

This weekend we are taking a step back. I'm calling it a mental health weekend. 

If we don't consciously take control of our lives, our lives will take control of us.

And that's when we get short fused, forget things, stop truly enjoying life.

Sometimes taking care of yourself and your family requires smiling and saying, "Thanks, but no."

Peace doesn't just happen. We have to make it happen.

Yes, if you don't go to the ball game, your children won't get to run around with their friends and you might miss an exciting game. Yes, if you don't go to the carnival, you might have to wait until next season to experience the ferris wheel. If you don't meet up with people to go bowling and out to eat, you might miss some great laughs with friends. 

If you don't always go, you will miss some things. Probably some fun things.

But what if you DO make a point to sometimes say no and miss out on the big fun stuff. Well, you might notice your sons being bored and deciding to play hide and seek with each other, or your older son giving your younger son some baseball pointers in the backyard. You might enjoy your whole family lazily piled up on the couch watching a movie and drinking Oreo milkshakes. You might find your child curling up beside you on the porch and asking you to read to him. You might go with the family on an after dinner walk on a crisp, cool night when the moon and stars are so bright you don't even need streetlights. You might sit around the backyard fire pit and tell scary stories, or relax in front of a crackling fire. 

And that is not missing out on anything.