1. Regardless of how relaxing and wonderful and serene and refreshing your beach vacation has been, you will inevitably find yourself at Alvin's Island while your kids search fruitlessly amidst junk for their promised souvenirs, while you wish someone would put you out of your misery and knock you unconscious with a $3.99 wooden crab net.
2. And, never, ever, EVER take your child shopping for school supplies when you have PMS. And never, under any circumstances, take the little brother who may excitedly blurt out, "Maybe this will be the school year you will get your head shoved in the toilet!!!"
3. Whether or not a sudden storm blows in is directly proportional to how much junk you have dragged to the pool.
4. The people who decided summertime was a great time to air "American Ninja Warrior" should also provide a Damage Relief Team to travel the nation wiping shoe marks off of walls and fixing loose banisters.
5. When you're 43, trying to run across water in a hamster ball isn't fun. It's actually kind of sad.
6. At the end of the school year, whatever you vowed to do over the summer (and THIS time I'm serious): Teach all of the multiplication facts, read every single day, begin new chores for kids...
You will realize 10 days before school starts that you have started none of them. NONE.
7. You might develop odd physical symptoms toward the end of summer. Two of them may be a sensitivity to noise and twitching. And at the VERY end of the summer, you may get the same feeling in your chest that you get when you are trying to untangle a pile of wire hangers.
8. When your children excitedly figure out that you can rip off the end of a Nerf dart and install a thumbtack which will stick to things far away at a high speed, including wood and mortar, it's definitely time for school to start.
9. If you do, in fact, let your children listen to the song Uptown Funk...A LOT, do not be surprised when you are scolding one of your children, and after you yell, "STOP!" that the child comes back with, "...wait a minute. Grab my cup, put some liquor in it..."
(^^^^^^Mom Of The Year^^^^^^)
10. And last but not least, you will realize that time is passing much too quickly. And you will realize that though your summer really didn't go according to plan and you didn't accomplish many of the things you had hoped you would, in its own way, the summer was still darn near perfect.
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