Okay, I feel pretty certain that there is no one else in the world right now who is awake at 11:24 p.m., contemplating what type of ninja costume to make for the family elf. I think the odds are in my favor that I'm probably alone on this one.
Today was one of those groggy Monday mornings where I don't really feel like I am totally awake until the kids are probably already having their first school snack. I kicked back in the comfy green chair, zoning out to the Today Show. Our big, spoiled family dog was at my feet chewing. I heard him chewing. Of course, he was chewing. He is always chewing. But he is sort of like my third child. Rather than freaking out every single time he finds a Lego on the floor (which is pretty dang often in this house), I've gone to only freaking out if he swipes an important Lego or possibly poops out the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
But I assure you, I would have jumped front and center if I had realized he was EATING OUR CHRISTMAS ELF'S FACE!!!
As if our elf wasn't 'Chucky-like' to start with, now he could audition for the movie Saw. But it was much more than the fact that he scarred our Christmas mischief maker, the bigger problem was breaking this to the boys (particularly the five-year-old who can have a come apart when a Beyblade gets a scratch on it.) How am I supposed to say, "Ummm, well, yeah, he IS missing an eye, and there IS stuffing coming out of a big hole in his head, and his little plaid elf pants are ripped to smithereens, BUT he's still perfectly capable of riding a zip line in the night.
And, furthermore, I didn't want the kids harboring hostility toward the dog. I mean, doesn't he tear up enough?
What to do? What to do?
So, when the boys came flying in the house and spotted the elf on the mantle with his back to the room and slowly turned him around, I did what any 40-year-old, college-educated mother of two would do.
I told them that I suspected that our elf, Terry, had been in a turf war.
A flipping TURF war? I know. Go on. Say it. I know it's crazy. What actually IS a turf war? Isn't that something gangs do? Fight over an area? Or maybe prostitutes fight over a street? What the heck? I don't even know what I'm talking about!!!
BUT...I had peaked their interest. They wanted to know more.
"Well, I suspect that maybe another elf wanted to come to this house, but this is Terry's house, so I think they got in a scuffle."
No tears. So far so good.
"He is one bad (as in Chuck Norris-like) elf," I said.
They beamed. Score one for Mom!!!
But then the questions came. There was discussion over what instruments were used. Great. I've tied our elf to gang violence. One step away from Miracle on 34th, one step toward Scarface.
Forget Chucky, my kids will be in therapy with dreams of elves with nunchucks.
The next question I got was this: "Why would elves fight? They all live with Santa."
"Well, you both live with me, and you're brothers and love each other, but you still fight sometimes."
Whew! Another point for Mom!!!
Suddenly, our run-of-the-mill Christmas elf became one of the most interesting topics we've had in a while. No screams, no tears, no, "Our elf is ruined!" Just fascination and a bit of delight. Our elf was one tough package of polyester.
We no longer had just an elf, we had an elf that had survived an elf fight. A scrappy representative from the North Pole.
What more could two little boys want than an elf who comes to life and does mischievious things in the night? I'll tell ya what-- one that can survive a kickin' and keep on trickin'.
It was a close call, but I did it. I righted a wrong! I won!
But did I really win? The boys have been asleep for hours now. The dog is snuggled upstairs in the bedroom and probably snoring. The dog who ripped off the face of an elf and was never blamed for it is now having pleasant dreams, possibly of peeing on the Christmas tree tomorrow.
I, on the other hand, am about to toil into the night, making sure the elf is donning one tough ninja suit when the sun rises.
But...with God as my witness...if that dog gets the elf again, I'm throwing in the towel.
It will then be time to explain to them that sometimes gang fights don't end well-not even for our northern friends.
Bravo Mom! Way to cover. So clever they will never suspect. I love it! I am finding that my almost 7 yr old is asking more and more questions about what is 'real' and what is 'fantasy' and I tell ya this would have been a tough one for me. Way to stay ahead in the game! As always, loving your blogs!
ReplyDeleteLen
ReplyDeleteOh you are hilarious!! I need you to write a book on the ways I should cover myself when the tooth fairy forgets to visit our house.
I tried to give the kids a lesson when I heard that not one but both of them had "accidentally" touched the elf. you know this is a taboo. So I thought, of course he would lose his powers and not be able to fly the next night, but I didn't just want him to sit there....There's enough of those nights that mommy forgets...I mean, nights when elf couldn't fly because he was waiting for all the children in the house to go to sleep. So I laid him (face down) on the floor right next to the shelf where he'd been sitting and patiently waited for the kids to find him in the morning. Well they found him alright and shouted "he's dead!!" I didn't expect them to jump to that extreme conclusion but ok. I guess he's dead....or lost his powers. I posed the question "how could this be?" in hopes of getting a confession. Luckily each of them confessed that maybe an elbow or a part of a finger accidentally, slightly touched him the day before. ***Shock!!! Gasp!!! ***
Ok well now they understood the consequences of their actions. But now what? How were we to rectify this situation? Luckily, a friend commented on the post of the picture of our "dead" elf revealing her discovery that cinnamon has special "healing" powers for elves. In fact, it is like vitamins and will restore magical powers. Of course, we quickly retrieved the cinnamon from the cabinet and gingerly applied it all around the elf. Low and behold our elf friend was back to ziplining the next night!!