Vultures

"The pen is mightier than the sword."~ Edward Bulwer-Lytton

We have heard this quote all of our lives. Especially those of us in journalism. 

These are some of the most true words ever written. Words, especially those written, (or typed), out there for others to read, can lift others up as high as the tallest building, or destroy them with all the brutality of an actual sword, causing deep wounds gushing with blood and sorrow.

There is a lot of hurt in the world today. A LOT of judgement. And everyone, HAS A PEN.

One thing everyone with a pen DOESN'T have? An EDITOR.

Almost everyone is on one or more forms of social media these days. Everyone has a pen to use at a whim- a pen that can be used in hurt, anger, and judgement.

And someone is on the other end of those words. A real person. A person with hopes and fears. A person with a family. A person who tries to protect his or her children. A person who cries in the dark over mistakes made, regrets, and fears. A real breathing, feeling person.

At times it can be so disheartening to see all of the unsolicited opinions, judgement, careless comments, bashing, libel, and downright bullying that is carelessly thrown about. Words that are like a sword to someone's heart. Words that cause pain, rather than words of encouragement. Words that cut to the bone. Words that can cause bleeding in the heart...like an sword.

We are all the first to navigate this scary thing called social media. This thing where in ten seconds we can reach thousands with our off-the-cuff opinions and comments.

And I am not trying to be a hypocrite here. I have made social media mistakes in the past. I dare say everyone has made their share of social media mistakes - regretful comments maybe made in a moment of anger or hurt. Show me someone who has never made a social media screw up and I will show you someone who has been on social media for about five minutes. Typing before thinking. It's entirely too easy to do. 

I've especially noticed lately that it seems social media has become a vulture breeding ground. People's lives and mistakes are out there for others to pick apart. And the sheer glee of some of these vultures is downright frightening.

It's a wolf mentality. A lone wolf isn't nearly as dangerous as a pack. And when the wolves on social media attack, they can become relentless, tearing apart the person, meat, bones, and finally soul.

When I see people being downright cruel on social media, I always think. What if that last comment was the straw that broke the camel's back? What if that person is completely on the edge? What if that person has lost all hope? What if that last comment is what causes this person to completely lose it? Or worse, give up?

How would you feel if you were the person who carelessly wrote that last comment?

Social media has become a bully's playground. A public stoning. And it is with amazement and horror that it seems some people actually enjoy tearing others apart.

It leads one to ask why. Are these people so unhappy with their own selves that they find pleasure and maybe feel superior in relentlessly tearing down others? Is this a careless result of their own hurt? Their own unhappiness? 

What is particularly disturbing is others who seem to tear others down with their criticism and judgement and bullying and use their religion as an excuse. 

It seems to me as a perfect example of exactly what Jesus would NOT do.

Reaching out?  Talking with? Inviting to church? Being an example? Check, check, check check.

Relentlessly bashing on social media? Ummmm, not so much.

I even read one comment one day where a man from the Philippines said he used to respect America, but not anymore. This was after horrible and mortifying comments were made in response to the president having to get a CT scan. You can only imagine what some of these comments were. They were horrible, unfeeling, cruel comments, and were upsetting to see people who call themselves Americans make.

For disagreeing and cruelly bashing are TWO very different things.

And not everyone has a section editor, and a copy editor, that can say, "Are you sure writing this is a good idea? Is it fair? Is it factual?"

I continue to stay on social media, and I'm pretty sure I always will. We are in a world now, where it's hard not to be, lest we miss something truly pertinent.

But I know it's all a mirage. We can't let ourselves forget that. And our kids need to know that. The perfection isn't real. The popularity isn't real and popularity doesn't mean squat anyway!

Some of the sweetest people in real life come across as aggressive and judgmental behind the keyboard, and some of the "not who you are striving to be like" people come across on social media as absolutely precious.

It's a complex illusion.

I hope our kids know as they grow up and have to deal with social media that it's about 95% false and 5% truth.

Think of a mistake or boneheaded thing you did in high school or college. Now imagine if someone videoed that and put it out there for 10,000 "hits" in a week.

Part of me wonders why we are even allowing this to happen at all. Seriously.

But it seems it's here to stay.

And the irony that this blog I am writing is on social media doesn't escape me. See? It's a messy, complex thing.

I hope that the next generation does a better job than we did. 

I am going to try to do my darnedest to teach my boys how to navigate this scary new world where everyone has a pen.

I may fail, but I will try to reach them accountability. That even though you don't have to look the other person in the eye, there is a very real person on the receiving end. Even though anything can be said from behind a keyboard and that gives the illusion of anonymity, your words make even more of an impact because they can be read by all, felt by all, scrutinized by all. The echo of words can resonate endlessly.

I will try to teach them to pause and ask, "Will this hurt anyone's feelings? Is this comment kicking someone when he is down? Is this helpful or destructive?"

I am trying to learn to do these things as well. 

I hope to teach them how to be their own editors.

Because this social media thing doesn't seem to be going away.

And we definitely need less vultures tearing us apart, and more eagles encouraging us to soar.

Uncharted Territory

You know the next corner is coming.

You know it's up ahead somewhere, just not exactly when you will reach it.  

But you know the corner will come, and you know you will turn that corner where all the child-like things will be in the past. The dimples on the fingers, the big hugs in front of friends, the hand holding yours, him wanting to go trick or treating with you, and on and on and on.

You never notice the moment when things stop. Because, let's face it, there is no big announcement that it is stopping. Your child doesn't announce that it's the last time he is going to want to watch a movie with you in the afternoon rather than hang out with a friend. A siren doesn't sound when it's the last hug at the bus stop. No declaration is made about these things. They just happen, and your chest aches because you would have absorbed even more from those precious moments had you known. 

It seems like there is no bridge between parenting the little and parenting the big. There is no dipping your foot into the pool to check out the water temperature so you can ease yourself into the cold, deep water. 

One minute you are standing there with the sun on your face, and the next you are pushed in, forced to tread water in an unfamiliar pool.

My phone is ringing and it's for him? He actually has buddies at school that I have never even met or heard of?

Who in the world is this kid becoming his own person? The one who can tell funny jokes that I didn't teach him? The one who doesn't need me to help him prepare for that test? 

Just as you studied and fell in love with that baby the nurse handed you, now you are studying and falling in love with this new person who is suddenly developing wings.

It's a hard process. Knowing how much to hold on and knowing how much to let go. The hardest part is knowing exactly how to navigate this uncharted territory.

You want to help guide them into this new phase, but feel lost yourself.

Have I told him things he needs to know? Have I told him enough? Have I told him too much?

Should I tell him not to do that? Or will that give him an idea he would never have thought of on his own and now his own mother just planted that seed?!?

But what if I DON'T tell him not to do that, and then someday he does it because I never told him not to!!!!!

On and on and on.

These sorts of things aren't discussed like the problems of the early years. Not the way we discussed nursing and pacifiers and naps and sleep schedules. 

This uncertainty is much quieter.

As the days from child to preteen chug forward at warp speed, I have to remember to fully appreciate and understand this new person in our midst. Such an unfamiliar middle ground. 

At times I see glimpses of the young boy, while other times seeing glimpses of the teen he will be.

But I must stop and remember to savor and enjoy this time just as I did the baby, and the toddler, and the little boy. 

This time may be a tad more confusing, but it's precious in its own way. 

This is when you get to see individuality soar. 

And I think it's even okay, probably necessary, to remind yourself that you helped this happen. You steered your child toward this spectacular metamorphosis.

I know this uneven kilter of a phase won't last forever, and as the next corner is turned, I will be looking back at this time as certainly confusing, but also magical.

And what is possibly more rewarding than fulfilling the needs of your child when he was an infant or even a toddler, is knowing that you have tried your very best to guide him to be the exact individual he was born to be. 

All the likes, dislikes, talents, quirks, and strengths are unlike anyone else's. And as his parent, you have known this. Understood this. Cultivated this. 

And watching all of this unfold- the essence of your child's individuality begin to soar- may, in fact, be the most precious stage yet.