The Witching Hour

  

Sometimes as mothers, there are things for which we have no answers. Things we simply cannot figure out no matter how hard we try.

But sometimes, even though it may be wrong in a misery-loves-company sort of way, it makes us feel better to know that other moms are in one of these trenches suffering with us.

Or at least to imagine in our minds that they are- that we aren't the only ones.

I choose to believe that I'm not the only one whose hour after bus drop off is not one big tooth-gritting, chest tightening, semi panic attack, homework-apocalypse.

Let me explain.

First off, of COURSE I'm glad to see my children. It's not that at all. But there is something about the after school frenzy that makes me want to put a margarita into one of those obnoxious helmets with swirly straws that feed straight down your throat.

Of course I've never done that. But my kids aren't in high school yet...

Here is how it plays out.

I think perhaps they come in the door all tired of being calm and structured. There is a kicking off of the shoes and a slinging of the backpacks. Also, everyone enters the premises as if they have just been granted the Survivor feast after a week of fasting in the Congo. Dirty hands foraging through pantries and picking through cellophane. Apparently six years of telling them to wash their hands right when they walk in the door after school has not been absorbed by any of their neural transmitters.

Then there is the dog who usually grabs one of their shoes in his mouth and runs with it, just to make me scream. Every. Single. Day.

There is the talking over each other. There is the, "Can I go to (insert name)'s house?" or "Can (insert name) come over?" And randomness, "How long is an airplane ride from here to Louisiana?"

"But you need to do your homework."

"But I told (insert name) I was coming over."

Then, I am trying not to bark, "Well, by all means if you TOLD him then please go!!!!! There will be *plenty* of time for you to study for your subject-predicate test when you are both thirty on your moms' couches while we do your laundry because you wanted to hang with friends before you did your HOOOMMMEEEEWWWOORRKKK!

Yes, I'm exaggerating. 

My children make good grades. And sometimes after school I do feel a bit like Monica on that Friends episode where she is instructing everyone on how to correctly snap the tops on their Crayola markers.

I admit I have never been accused of being too laid back...

Especially not about school.

That would be my husband who said hello and hugged my child's teacher at the ballpark and didn't realize it was his last year's teacher. But I digress...

I'm a substitute teacher, for crying out loud. And I can calmly help someone struggling with reading or math with flying colors. I am the epitome of patience!

But when I am sitting there with my own child and he is reading to me and randomly throwing in words THAT ARENT EVEN THERE like he is on stage at Live at the Improv, I literally want to curl up in the fetal position and suck my thumb.

I think it's because we CARE soooooo much. We want them to thrive, and be successful, and be all that we know they can be. And we want them to WASH THEIR HANDS for crying out loud and not get strep on the third week of school!!!! 

And the knocks on the door, and the needing to start supper, and the dog barking at every person that walks by...well, that can only add to the fun.

Thankfully, after the witching hour, everything seems to settle down.

It's that one hour. And certainly I'm not the only one. Hopefully. Bueller?Lie to me if you must.

I have a friend who used to loudly sing whenever she got frustrated at her children. She figured that was better than yelling and provided a better memory for her kids. She may be on to something. 

But I'm not sure my scary mom face while belting out, "Come On Eileen" won't be a one-way ticket into therapy.

As moms, sometimes is hard not to care so much. It's hard to relax, go with the flow, and let the chips fall where they may.

I'm working on a "system" for after school. However, suffice it to say this system has been in the making for years.

But maybe just knowing there are other moms out there, feeling the same way, gritting their teeth, hair sticking to the back of their sweaty necks as they trudge through homework apocalypse every day, is a good place to start.

Semper Fi, Mom soldiers.

Subject and predicate onward.

Advice for Middle School

  1. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING is as bad as it seems once the sun sets and rises again. A new day always brings a new perspective. 

That note I wrote about having a crush on a boy that was found and copied and posted all over the school? Yes, I laugh about it now. And possibly laughed about it a week after it happened, even though the day it happened I wanted the ground to swallow me up whole.

To quote Wilson-Phillips, "Hold On For One More Day."

Things get better. Always.

2. There will be kids in middle school who look like they may not be able to tie their own shoes and kids who look like they drove to school and voted in the last election. Be nice to everyone, it all evens out in high school.

3. Adopt a "more the merrier" attitude. Don't form exclusive cliques that purposefully leave others out, and do not try to join exclusive cliques. They are meaningless, and hurt other people's feelings.

Of course it's impossible to invite everyone to everything, but also help all of us parents, including myself, try not to do anything to encourage an "us" and "them" mentality. Sometimes it may be the parents, while trying to relive the glory days, who make things so much worse by trying to make sure our children are liked and included.

4. Realize that there is no group, club, team, grade, or clique that makes you who you are. Only the way you treat others defines who you are and is what truly counts once that graduation cap is tossed into the air.

5. The kids that act "too cool for school" and who bully and pick on and make fun of other kids? Many of them will still be sleeping on mama's couch into their 30s.

6. Try to be organized. A large factor in whether you succeed in middle school has to do with learning organization and responsibility.

7. Middle schooler, appreciate your parents. You aren't exactly the easiest person to be around at this time in your life.

8. No extra curricular activity, no matter how much you love it, is as important as academics. What if Lebron James had irreparable damage to his leg his senior year?

9. Learn to dance. It will come in handy so much more than you realize.

10. People who act better than you secretly feel inferior to you.

11. Treat everyone with kindness and respect because they may be going through something unimaginable, and your kindness could be the one thing that changes a life for the better.

12. Embrace quirkiness and weirdness in yourself and others. It's what makes people interesting.

13. Enjoy this time in your life. These are some of the most care-free days you will ever have. Some days will be doozies, but for the most part, these days may be some of the best. Enjoy!

10 Random Things I Discovered This Summer

1. Regardless of how relaxing and wonderful and serene and refreshing your beach vacation has been, you will inevitably find yourself at Alvin's Island while your kids search fruitlessly amidst junk for their promised souvenirs, while you wish someone would put you out of your misery and knock you unconscious with a $3.99 wooden crab net.

2. And, never, ever, EVER take your child shopping for school supplies when you have PMS. And never, under any circumstances, take the little brother who may excitedly blurt out, "Maybe this will be the school year you will get your head shoved in the toilet!!!"

3. Whether or not a sudden storm blows in is directly proportional to how much junk you have dragged to the pool.

4. The people who decided summertime was a great time to air "American Ninja Warrior" should also provide a Damage Relief Team to travel the nation wiping shoe marks off of walls and fixing loose banisters.

5. When you're 43, trying to run across water in a hamster ball isn't fun. It's actually kind of sad.

6. At the end of the school year, whatever you vowed to do over the summer (and THIS time I'm serious): Teach all of the multiplication facts, read every single day, begin new chores for kids...

You will realize 10 days before school starts that you have started none of them. NONE.

7. You might develop odd physical symptoms toward the end of summer. Two of them may be a sensitivity to noise and twitching. And at the VERY end of the summer, you may get the same feeling in your chest that you get when you are trying to untangle a pile of wire hangers.

8.  When your children excitedly figure out that you can rip off the end of a Nerf dart and install a thumbtack which will stick to things far away at a high speed, including wood and mortar, it's definitely time for school to start.

9. If you do, in fact, let your children listen to the song Uptown Funk...A LOT, do not be surprised when you are scolding one of your children, and after you yell, "STOP!" that the child comes back with, "...wait a minute. Grab my cup, put some liquor in it..."

(^^^^^^Mom Of The Year^^^^^^)

10. And last but not least, you will realize that time is passing much too quickly. And you will realize that though your summer really didn't go according to plan and you didn't accomplish many of the things you had hoped you would, in its own way, the summer was still darn near perfect.