The Rest of the Story

So, the other day I realized I have a ridiculous amount of parenting books. I can't even bring myself to type the number. Combine an avid reader with a paranoid first- time mom and there you go. I wanted some education.
But here is the thing...it was all junk.
I'm not sure how that many books managed to ALL contradict each other, but I'm pretty sure they did. Pick him up, let him cry, rock him, sit at the crib and move the chair a little further away each night, put him in bed with you, don't put him in bed with you or you will surely squish him, put him beside your bed- like a crib
sidecar... you get the drift.
Bottom line is, these books are written by people we don't even know. And let's face it, many times we don't even take the advice of those we know best, so I have no idea why we put so much stock in complete strangers.
When it's all said and done, there are very few truths that are constants straight across the board. Most of parenting is on instinct. But now that my kids are older, there are a few truths that should have been written about in which there would never be any contradictions. There are several things that no one tells new parents, and you can't find anything about them in the mommy books either.

1. It doesn't matter if you have mostly leather couches, linoleum, tile, hardwood, or whatever. Your child will projectile vomit on the only cloth, unwashable thing you have in a 3,200 square foot area. So really, from about the time the petri dish called school starts until summertime, you might want to go ahead and wrap your furniture in plastic like your Great Aunt Agnes.

2. The powers that be are not kidding. You really never will go to the bathroom alone again. Never. Ever. I have nursed a baby in the bathroom, performed a puppet show with my foot, answered a zillion questions, and played a
modified game of kickball. Also, I have been asked a 37 trillion questions through the shower door. It's sort of like the foggy door makes it seems like the wisdom of Oz is behind it, and they come to me with all of life's questions.

3. Mom competition is a real thing. It doesn't matter if you ignore all the conversations about percentiles or early reading ability, it will hunt you down and find you when you least expect it. It struck me unexpectedly this soccer season when I thanked God I had already had snack duty because a parent after me had snack present boxes tied with twine and soccer stamping on the outside of the box. The next logical step for anyone following that would be for Beckham to hand out the snacks while posing for 8x10s with each child.

4. The things you obsess over like potty training? Well, don't. It doesn't matter if you get an Elmo book about it, do what Dr. Phil says, draw a bullseye on the toilet, give them an M&M every time they pee, or forgo potty training and trust they will "know" when they are ready. It doesn't matter. They will get it. They really will. What they won't get?Finding their shoes, jackets, and backpacks when they need them. This is what you need to be worried about. They will never overcome this hurdle. Never. Ever. Trust me.

5. When they come to you covered in blood like they are trying to make a sequel to Carrie, take a deep breath and look to the highest point covered in blood. There you will find the wound since blood travels down. It's surprisingly easy to forget this obvious fact when you feel like you are in a horror movie.

6. As far as holidays go, you have only two Halloweens to have total control over their costume choices. Choose wisely. And avoid all bouncy houses, restaurant play areas, etc., the entire month of December. If you do choose to go to one, be sure it's worth you and/or your children vomiting into a bucket on Christmas morning.

7. There will come a time in your life when socks will become your nemesis. After they are worn once and washed, you will never accurately match them again. You may be able to match brands, but you won't understand why one looks so white and the other looks like it was dragged through a motocross race, or why one is intact while the other has loose elastic. It doesn't matter if you color code the tips with a Sharpie or try to wash them together. Something unexplainable happens with socks and it will tip the scales of your sanity... weekly.

8. No matter the age difference or gender or how incredibly much they truly love each other, siblings will find a way to fight over absolutely anything. It helps them develop a sense of fairness and competition. Mine have even fought over who saw a pile of dog vomit first.

9. Some of you have never, ever, allowed your children to have caffeine even once. And that's great-it's not good for them. However, if you have never given your child caffeine and decide to attempt it, do NOT, under any circumstances give it to them in a public setting...unless you happen to be at the zoo.

10. Do not purchase anything that requires cleaning out a cage, tank, or filter even if the instructions guarantee it will only need to be done once a month. Don't do it. You will dread it like a root canal and at some point will have a come apart while shaking a filter brush toward the heavens.

11. Protect each piece of a Lego kit like the Holy Grail. If you lose even one piece of a 1,832 piece jet...forget it. It's over.

12. Do not jump on the Christmas Elf bandwagon. Never. Ever. Walk away.
You're welcome.