Not Macklemore's kind, but rather the bathing suit kind.
I don't mean I bought a bunch of bathing suits. I mean, I literally, popped tags.
I tried on a size 6, and apparently the force was too great and the tags shot off across the dressing room like a cannon- almost shooting into the next stall.
They didn't fall off- they fired off.
Remember those optical illusions where you stare at all the lines and your eyes play tricks on you. Well, why in the heck can't they make an optical illusion suit? And after seriously Googling it, I am clearly not the only one who has thought of it. People are trying this. We need a suit with lines going everywhere and if you look at it, it either creates the illusion of a tiny person or even perhaps just makes your eyes blur so much that you can't see anything.
I kind of want to do the Medusa route. I need to know that if people look at my suit they turn to stone. That way I don't have to spend my entire Birmingham summer in a suffocating coverup.
They've already tried the miracle suit. FAIL!!! It's like those little rubber monster toys you squeeze and the eyeballs pop out. The bathing suit squeezes you so tight that suddenly- whoops!!! Well...there you go. It's all got to be re-routed somewhere. Didn't even know I had armpit fat.
At one point I decided I would just wear a loose, airy dress, a floppy hat, and shades. If anyone wants me to swim I can just pretend I'm channeling Garbo and beg to be left alone. I also figure if people are drowning, I can still save them in a T-shirt and a tennis skirt as well as I could a bikini.
At one point in the dressing room I just sat down pouting like a 5-year-old.
But all good pity parties must come to an end. I finally bucked up and found a suit I could tolerate. Because there is no suit that evokes a stronger emotion than that. When I found this tolerable suit, I bought it in two different colors. Because, you see, it may not happen again until the next solar eclipse.
So when you are out popping tags like I was, it will make it more fun if you
sing a little Thrift Shop.
But one lyric I will leave out?
"This is...awesome."
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