Watch Out for UFOs

     You can put down your phone. No need to report it. It is actually NOT a UFO. Oh, it's a flying object all right, but I'm getting ready to identify it. If you get out your telescope you might be able to see the small Weight Watchers emblem on it as it flies throught the dark Alabama night. Yes, it will be, in fact, my scale.
     Just a few hours ago, I shuffled into the kitchen with my hands on my hips. "Our scale is broken!" I exclaimed. "I need you to go get on the scale RIGHT NOW!" My husband was in the middle of something at the time, but you know what? As I sit here thinking about it, he never did go "test" the scale. I think there is a message in here somewhere. And I'm sure it has nothing to do with him emerging from the restroom days ago and finding me sitting on the bed not able to button my jeans.
     It's been a good scale, right in line with the doctor's office scale. But tonight, just hours ago, it undoubtedly broke. That is my story, and I'm sticking to it. I mean, there is NO POSSIBLE WAY someone could gain eight pounds in six days...is there? I was on steroids for a week for my "food allergy incident." But I'm not sure it's even possible for me to blame it all on the medication. Could it be that all the temptations of yummy Christmas food has worked on me like a runaway train? Could it be that since I have had insomnia for several weeks now, the late nights are making me resort to my favorite hobby? Could it be the popcorn and orange chocolate I just wolfed down? After all, how could I be gaining weight? I just pinned a great workout from Pinterest. Umm, pass the coffee Haagen Daas please.

     All of these TV shows talk about emotional eating, anxious eating, and all other deep-rooted psychological reasons for constant eating. But folks, I'm just going to cut to the chase. I know EXACTLY why I eat so much. Bottom line...I'm always hungry! It's very simple. I love the way food looks, I love the way it feels in my mouth, and I love the way it tastes. I just love food. Plain and simple. My whole life I have luckily been blessed with a crazy fast metabolism. That pretty much lasted until I was 32 and had my first child. But I am proud to say that while pregnant, I put my child FIRST! If he wanted a 770-calorie milkshake from Chick-fil-A, then by golly he was going to get one. In fact, if he wanted one EVERY day he would get one. He really liked strawberry. It didn't even phase me when my OB showed me a food pyramid, and then pointed out that ice cream was nowhere to be found. I remember passing my husband's weight. None of it phased me. If I was hungry, I ate. Toward the end of the pregnancy, and 60 pounds later, I began to hope that possibly I was having a 40-pound baby.

     My next pregnancy was the same. Sixty pounds exactly. Instead of thinking my pregnancy eating was out of control, I just took it as a sign that my body was pre-rigged for 60-pound pregnancies and there wasn't a darn thing I could do about it. I embraced it. I was with child, and I was beautiful. In retrospect, looking at pictures, ummm, not so much. By SeaWorld standards I was beautiful. Up until I was about six months pregnant I was okay, but then...

     Let's put it this way, there is a horrific picture of me on the hospital bed right before my emergency C-section (who TOOK that picture?) A friend of mine saw the picture a couple of years later and was actually unable to identify my bare leg. I'm afraid she thought it was the trunk of an American Beech.

     But up until this Christmas, I was only about seven or eight pounds away from my target weight. I was so excited. But then Christmas came. And then the allergic reaction and the steroids. I honestly did not know it was possible to gain so much weight so quickly.  

     I'm trying to remail calm about it all, but I want to be healthy. I'm not obsessed with a number, but don't exactly want to go buy a whole new wardrobe. And the voice of Dr. Oz talking about all the dreadful things you are at risk for if your waist is more than 34 inches is ringing in my ear. Maybe it will straighten itself out. Maybe it's just the time of year. Maybe I am like those winter squirrels who store nuts in their cheeks. Perhaps I am storing things for the winter. Perhaps I am storing actual blueberry muffins in my muffin top.
     Once again, I think everyone should be healthy, but not obsessed. Did anyone see Angelina Jolie at the Golden Globes? It was shocking. These poor girls who are seeing these images as they grow up.
     I had a cousin who once purposefully put on 20 pounds because she was upset about her pointed nose. She thought the weight gain might spread out her nose a little bit. I don't think it really worked, but I liked her attitude. In all honesty, I would rather be a tad over my target weight than be underweight like so many of these skeletal looking movie stars. Being too skinny makes you look older and have more wrinkles, while a couple of extra pounds can plump up your face and make you look younger.

     But healthy is key...for everyone. And I have heard that just 10 pounds can make a big difference in your blood pressure. So I suppose trying to hit that target weight, eating right, and exercising is what I need to focus on in the new year. This late night eating is becoming a problem. 

     However, in exactly 10 weeks I will turn 40. And I am starting to see some lines I've never noticed before. I wonder if a few more pounds would...nahhhhhhhh.