So there I was standing at the checkout with the glorious suspense novels I had chosen after meandering around the bookstore for two hours. I was by myself...in a bookstore...alone. If you know me, that equals totally and complete relaxation. And I was happy. Very happy.
Then they asked for the next customer (which happened to be me). Then came the problem, the suction hose that slurped all the relaxation right out of me. My check card (though my husband and I are both obviously on the account) had my husband's name on it and therefore did not match my license. The young man was sorry, but he could not help me. I worked in a bank for ten years, so I could see his point - somewhat- but it was the exact same card I had used every other time I had been in there. AND they knew I was a regular customer because I had an account there where I trade used books. I didn't use mean words, I really didn't, but I was clearly irritated from my tone as I pointed all of this out. While others waited impatiently behind me, I marched out to the car (and marching is an accurate description, I used way more "energy" needed to get out the door) where I retrieved my checkbook which had my name AND my husband's name clearly printed, the account to which the check card was linked. He looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, we don't take checks." I began trying to explain to him that this showed that I WAS on the account to which the card was linked, but I simply stopped myself and marched back out to my car. After digging around I FINALLY found another card with my name on it and went inside to make my monstrous purchase of $39.98. As I was standing there getting my receipt, I suddenly realized that this entire thing had gone down while I was wearing a "Jesus Loves Me" sticker right on the front of my shirt. A friend's mother had put it on me while my son was getting ready to play his church basketball game. What would Jesus do? Would He have used that tone? Would He have marched out that door to his car like a mad elephant? I was ashamed. But then the more I thought about it, I wasn't really sure if I should be ashamed or not. I hadn't said anything bad, yet, I had clearly been irritated. What should I have done? Should I have smiled and said, "Oh, that's okay, it's my fault, I'll just come back another time even though it did take me a while to get here and I've wasted half of my day and I'm a regular customer and you have always accepted this card before."
We always say that with our children we have to pick our battles. "Yes, you have to brush your teeth." "No, I don't care if you want to wear a superhero cape on the first day of preschool." Sometimes we fight battles that we shouldn't simply because we aren't in the mood to let them have their way or win, simply because we are the parent. We base it on principle, not because it's really that big of a deal. Sometimes I hear myself saying no to something, and then I hear the "better" side of myself whispering in my ear, "Why not?" And sometimes I honestly don't even know the answer.
Maybe I'm grumpy, maybe I'm tired and don't feel like dragging out all the paint or Playdough, or maybe sometimes I just get used to saying no so much that it sometimes just flies out of my mouth. And I definitely need to work on that. And there are times I say yes when I shouldn't, when I don't stand behind the promise I made earlier. "If you do that again, no more Wii for three days!" I'm sure I'm not the only mother out there who has made an empty threat only to cave later. All the books talk so big, but when you are out of groceries, are you really going to grab your child, abandon your cart, and go home and eat Ramen noodles just because you said if they acted up at Publix you would leave immediately? I know EVERY SINGLE book in the world preaches consistency, consistency, consistency!!! I've even read where they tell you to leave that cart! But I promise you, if there is one person out there who says they don't cave AT LEAST once a week on SOMETHING, or not follow through on something...well, plain and simple, he or she is lying.
But after the bookstore incident, it got me thinking. It's also really hard to pick your battles as an adult, WITH other adults. Do you brush off that comment that the other mom in the PTO made, or do you say it hurt your feelings? Do you help with that project when they ask for your help, or do you simply say, "No, I've got too much on my plate and I'm sorry," knowing full well that you might be the topic of conversation for the next week. It's so hard as an adult to find the right balance on just about everything. You know you should be spending quality time with your family, exercising, attending and/or helping at church, giving of your time, keeping up the house or attending to a job, sleeping eight hours, spending time on a hobby for yourself so you don't go totally crazy, helping others, etc. But honestly, at almost 40, I have not come CLOSE to figuring out how to make it all work. People joke that their is not enough time in the day, and I really don't think that there is. Seriously. So, is there no solution? Wow, that sounds hopeful.
The closest thing I have come up with is that you are NEVER going to be able to do it all, at the same time. There will be times when you will be spread so thin at home, with sports, etc., that there is just not time to meet up with friends as much as you would like. And if you are in charge of something at church or with the school, your family might just have to step up to the plate for a couple of weeks. But there is no way possible to keep it all balanced, ALL of the time. We hear or read about all of these neat things that others are doing and they sound wonderful. But then I think, if we did that after homework and supper, the kids would go to bed around 10, then they would do horrible at school because they would be exhausted all the time.
There really are no easy answers. I am one of these people that hears about an idea and gets all excited about it, and then the reality sets in. Ooooh, yes, that would be great, a family walk every night! What about game night once a week? Perfect, such a bonding experience! But wait, I want to read them each a story before bed. But wait, my husband should too, so maybe we should swap children each night so we can each get that one-on-one time with each child. But maybe we should all be doing it together as a family. But honestly, after we eat dinner and clean up and do baths, it is time for bed and there is not time for much of anything if they are to get enough sleep when the bus pulls up in the morning! So then like some lunatic I research how much sleep they ACTUALLY need at their ages. Then I discover that they grow when they sleep--that they can actually grow one inch in 24 hours! Are you KIDDING me? So they are either going to go straight to bed every night and we can only do fun family things on the weekends, or we get to bond over a game of Scrabble on Tuesday and though the game was fun, I have perhaps stunted their growth by one inch.
It seems to never end. We always talk about all the guilt in parenting. And there is A LOT of that. But what perhaps is even more exhausting is the constant decision making! Do men really understand how many decisions we have to make in a day? It's not the big ones that wear on you as much as it is the CONSTANT little ones. Should I let them play different sports, or make them play the same one so that we aren't running back and forth so much? Should I make him do his homework right when he gets home from school, or does he need a little break first? Or was the ride home on the bus hanging with friends enough of a break? Yes, my dear husband, I know it's only chicken nuggets, but I read somethere that they preserve the nuggets with some chemical similar to the one used in gasoline!!!" What if I am inadvertantly killing my young???
When they try to prevent teenagers from having sex when they are in high school by making them schlep around a pound of sugar or carry around a plastic doll all week and change its diaper, they just aren't quite driving the point home. Parenting is so much more than any of us realize, so much more I'm still realizing- every...single...day.
One of my goals for this New Year (that I haven't actually done yet, wait let me add procrastination to the list) is to make a list of THE MOST important things for my family. I read this suggestion over a year ago, but I am really going to do it this time. I know I want us to eat at the table together-- every night. I know that. I did that growing up, and I want it for my family as well. Would it be nice to have game night and movie night once a week, every week? Absolutely. But I can tell you right now that there is no way that is going to happen every week. I wish it could, but it can't. Reading at night will also be high on my list. I started reading to my oldest child almost as soon as he emerged from my womb. Second child, ummm, not so much. I need to do better on that.
If any of you have found ways to make it all work, or even a tiny suggestion to make things better, please comment. We all have to help each other out after all. I think as parents we all spend too much time judging other parents, when we only do it because we are insecure about the way we are parenting. We want to think we are the ones doing it right, when really we are constantly worried that we are the one doing it wrong. I do it as much as anyone else. I think we all do because we all feel a little lost in this parenting thing.
And as for my "episode" at the bookstore, well, I don't have to worry about if I did the right thing in front of my children because they weren't with me. Should I have gotten irritated? Should I have fought for my right to buy books at the store I frequent, or should I have respected the "policy" more? What about good old-fashioned customer service? Shouldn't that count for something? I'm not sure. It's a tough call. Was I making a mountain out of a molehill, or was I standing up for myself? Not sure. Just like I seem to not be sure about many decisions I'm making these days.
But one thing is for sure, we will all find out down the road that some of our decisions were right and some of them were wrong. No one is perfect. But as long as we let our kids know we love them, then we have certainly done the most important thing right. And that's got to count for something.
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