True Friends Don't Grow on Trees

When I first moved to this area, I was a total mess. I didn't know anyone. I had gotten a job at The Birmingham News, but quit when I had a miscarriage (went a little cukoo I'll admit.)

Then, I was expecting again after six weeks and decided to stay home. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. But it's hard to go from being a reporter working all hours to watching Oprah and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I was so lonely. I didn't know a soul, was new to the area, and it was the first time I didn't have a job. I was home alone all day, and was borderline nuts.

I remember staring out my window one day and watching all the dogs running around the neighborhood. I can't believe I am admitting this, but in my lonely boredom (all of you Ally McBeal fans will get this) I gave all the dogs "theme songs." There was this one brown dog who sort of swaggered through the neighborhood. His song was that one, (not sure of the title), but it goes, "Saturday...in the park...think it was the fourth of July...." Yep, that is the sign of someone teetering on the edge. I remember noticing another dog's impeccable posture. He seemed enigmatic.

Talk about pathetic. I had no family here, no friends, was pregnant, and had just quit my job. It was pretty much a recipe for disaster.

After I had my first child, when he was eight months old, I joined a Mom's Club in the area, It made all the difference in the world. Many of us have now gone our seperate ways, but they literally saved me. Who knew that adult interaction and contact was the key to everything. I learned an important lesson then. That no matter what the situation, isolation is NEVER the answer.

My children are almost five and eight now, I am almost 40, and I am proud to say that I have the best friends any girl could ever ask for in a million years. They enrich my life in ways that no words can describe.
Are we alike? Heck no. We could be the cast of Desperate Housewives. But that is the difference in 20 and 40. When you are 20, you think that you have to have so many things in common, all the same interests, the same backgrounds. When you are 40, or close to that, you embrace your differences, warts and all. I know I can say what I really feel, and they love me anyway. I know we can get irritated at each other, but we will get over it. Just like sisters do. We don't have a choice. We are one.

I spent the last few years of my life wanting everyone to like me...trying to be friends with everyone. But as I get older, I realize that is not how it works. If you can count your true friends on one hand then you are lucky. VERY lucky. True friends won't abandon you through the hard times, through the beligerent times, or through the PMS times. They care enough to love you through the thick and thin. It's not a superficial friendship, not a convenient friendship, but a friendship of sisterhood.

It's the friendships where you can say anything. "No, that outfit looks terrible on you." "If you cut your hair you will look older." "Yes, if you are ever in a coma, I will wax your lip." "If you wear a cowboy hat in Nashville, I'm going to pretend like I don't know you." Those are the friendships that matter.

The REAL friendships are those where you can be told the truth even if it hurts, even if you are mad, even if it takes a month to get over it. Because of the simple fact that they love you enough to tell you the truth.

Facebook has us trying to be "friends" with everyone. But honestly, if you can't call them at 2:00 a.m. crying for them to come over immediately, are they really friends or aquaintences?

My husband, who is 18 years older than me, always said that you can count your true friends on one hand. That is true. Oh, SO true. It just takes us a while to figure it out. True friends can fight and work it out. They can be honest. And they can be themselves, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and always feel accepted.

As we get older, with children and so many responsibilities, we realize that we can't be "true" friends with hoards of people. We can be friendly, of course. But true friendships take work, just like marriages. And if we aren't willing to nurture them, then they weren't our soul friends to begin with.

My mom has a group of friends that she has played cards with once a week since I was a small child. They still meet once a week to play cards. They have been through cancer, death, all the drama of raising children, and they are still going strong. I admire that so much. That is what life is all about.

They have been going strong for over 30 years. If that isn't friendship, I don't know what is.

All I know is this, there is nothing more important than family. But if you find friends...true soulmate type friends, then they are your family as well. And you need to fight to nurture that.

Because if you get that just once in a lifetime, you are very, very lucky.

Mel